Updated: May 29, 2020
Alright so this shutdown sucks. No sports sucks. Living off tuna and crackers sucks. Every hour I'm reminded that the state store closing down is the worst thing that's ever happened until I remember that I can't even fucking golf and it's just starting to get warm out.
I'm already a miserable bastard (so my colleagues at Jagoff Sports tell me), and I thought it would be refreshing to hit everyone with some positive mojo for once. Given that we're stuck inside a horror movie where the monster is invisible, and your usual coughing from years of smoking cigarettes might get you killed by an angry mob, here's some silver lining to make up for it all.
1. Less Assholes on the Road
My wife thinks I'm a psychopath when we're driving around Pittsburgh. In a matter of 4 seconds, I go from singing Elton John, to blowing my stack on some trash bag who doesn't use his turn signal, then back around to normal again in time to harmonize the line "Lay me down in sheets on LINUUUHHN".
Since everyone is home, there's no traffic around. For the first time in my life I drove from Penn Hills into town and there wasn't a traffic jam before The Squirrel Hill Tunnels. I couldn't believe it. I pulled a U-turn and went back around to do it a couple more times because it was such a pleasant experience.
I called my doctor to tell him my blood pressure is so much lower, but he was busy unfucking the coronavirus from the esophagus of some idiot who went binge drinking over the weekend. Oh well.
2. I Don't Have to Hear About Everyone's March Madness Brackets
Without failure, I'm surrounded by a gang of morons every year who are cheering their hearts out for 12th seed Backwoods Alabama Tech to upset Marquette so they can say "I had that upset in one of my brackets!".
How did they do otherwise? They had 5 teams in the Sweet Sixteen.
There's one thing I hate more than people telling me about their fantasy football team, and it's them telling me about their stupid fucking bracket. It reminds of when the World Cup comes around and suddenly Americans are the biggest and most annoying Croatian soccer fans ever.
3. Free Shit
The worst part about this whole scenario is that everyone is losing their jobs and the economy is going to tank, but that means we're only a short step away from bailouts and/or looting. These are two different things entirely, but they both lead to free shit, so let me break it down for you.
Bailouts typically come around first. If you're smart, you'll sign up for a high-limit credit card now and max that baby out. Get yourself some nice jewelry, maybe a couple new cell phones, or a bunch of expensive gadgets that you can easily sell later for cash. Then you've got a 50/50 shot that Uncle Sam will come around and wipe your debt clean.
As far as looting goes, ol' Bobby Back-Nine has been around the block a couple of times. I was in the middle of the LA Riots back in '92 (I still have a warrant in Cali), and I signed up for the Red Cross to get into the action during Hurricane Katrina because I could sense a good loot session was about to happen.
The key to successfully looting a place is to get ahead of the curve. You don't want to be the last guy heading into the Best Buy when the only thing left is vacuum cleaners and Amazon Alexa's. In this case, why wait for the shops to close down a couple days from now? Set the tone and smash the windows of out of the state store tonight. Fuckin' LCB.
4. The Pittsburgh Marathon is Cancelled
Awwww.... Are the poor runners sad that the coronavirus messed up their plans? Well now you know how I feel every time you shut down the entire city for your race.
The Pittsburgh Marathon is worse than a global pandemic. People with their stupid numbers and expensive running shoes feel so good about themselves every year because why? You ran? What kind of athletic ability does it take to go jogging? Zero. Everyone can run, some not as far.
My biggest gripe with the Pittsburgh Marathon is how little consideration they have for the rest of the city. You want to go running? Have a blast, but why in the name of Christ does it need to be down the middle of Forbes Avenue? You could do the exact same thing if you did it the woods somewhere.
Instead we need our runners to feel super special. They can run down Penn Avenue and take pictures of themselves with their friends because they've achieved something so unique that thousands of people do it in every city. And it's not just the Pittsburgh Marathon. I swear from early May through late September there's a citywide shutdown every Sunday so people can run through the streets.
5. People Won't Come Near Me
I've had enough of you clumsy buffoons standing near me, sitting next to me, pissing in the urinal next to me or smashing your shopping cart into mine. Sometimes I question if people are severely handicapped or on drugs that cause them to lose their basic sense of the physical world.
Just yesterday I sneezed in line at the gas station, and it was like the red sea parted in front of me. No one wanted to be in the same room as me. Perfect.
This whole pandemic is the first time I've ever heard of social distancing, but I tell you what, I'm hoping it's a trend that sticks around for a while. Another thing I like about the entire situation is that I basically have free rein to freak out if anyone gets near me. It's like a dream come true.