Updated: May 29, 2020
The debate is raging on whether or not it was a smart idea to close the golf courses in Pennsylvania, and all the brain dead morons are coming out in droves against the greatest game ever played.
Here's everyone's favorite 93.7% jackass Colin Dunlap, giving us his unsolicited opinion on the matter:
"Once people get away from eyeshot of the clubhouse, can they be trusted?"
Trusted to do what? Not strip down naked and blow each other on the 5th tee box? What the actual fuck is this gasoline huffing bozo talking about? Has Colin Dunlap ever been on a golf course? Does he understand how the sport works?
If there's any activity that embodies social distancing, it's golf. And Bobby-Back Nine is here with 5 reasons why.
1. No One is Ever Within 6 Feet Of Each Other
Unlike basketball where men are constantly rubbing up on one another or soccer where they're kissing each other, golf is zero contact.
The next time you go play golf, try something for me. Whenever your buddy is getting ready to hit his approach shot, stand directly behind him and let me know how it works for you. Corona Virus will be the least of your worries.
There's an unspoken rule in the game where players stay 15 ft. or further from each other at almost all times. As a lefty who hits a fade (to the left), I've walked the course with right-handed players who I forgot were playing with me by the 3rd hole because I never saw them again.
2. The Equipment is Constantly Being Replaced
So you think it's a huge issue that we're running out of N95 masks during a pandemic? You should see how many fucking golf balls I can lose on the front nine. I would have absolutely zero problems adjusting my game to include a clean new ball for every hole.
Is there a lake? I'll put one in there. Cliffside plunging down into a tic-infested hell of rocks and trees? No worries, I'll easily lose two balls there, and never think twice about going to get them.
Any golfer worth his salt is already wearing gloves, and with my "Grip It and Rip It" style of play, I'm replacing them at the turn anyway. Maybe the clubs are dirty, but I've been known to lose a couple of those if I'm really cutting it loose with the "waters" on the back nine anyway. More on that in the next section.
3. Everyone is Self-Sanitizing
They don't call me Bobby Back-Nine because I'm a huge joy to be around through the first 3 holes, but by the time I'm done re-stocking my cooler and my secret flask driver at the turn, I'd be shocked if even the bubonic plague would survive in my bloodstream.
Hand sanitizer has what, 70% alcohol content? Those are bush league numbers. My "Gatorades" I drink on the drive to the course are higher than that.
4. Foursomes are 6 Less People Than the CDC Recommended Limit of 10 People Per Gathering
Just from the looks of her, I can tell that Michelle Williams has never been in any kind foursome. I digress... even when we're not in the middle of the apocalypse, golf courses are pretty strict about not grouping up. It slows the game down, and it pisses everyone off.
I went to the grocery store this week, and there were at least 40 people in line. Home Depot? It's like trying to get out of Heinz Field after a Steeler game.
You come into closer contact with most of your neighbors while your walking your dog around the block than you do when you're out whackin' a couple balls around with the guys.
5. It's Played Outside In The Heat
Okay so this one doesn't really apply to Pittsburgh right now, but I'm fighting the good fight for my golfing brothers and sisters who live in warmer climates. We all know COVID-19 is going down once the heat picks up.
Have you ever golfed 36 holes in Florida in the middle of July? No virus is spreading in that shit. Here's a quote from some fancy lab coat scientist who I otherwise wouldn't listen to unless they were saying something I agreed with:
"In countries with an average temperature greater than 64.4 F (18 C) and an absolute humidity greater than 9 g/m3, the number of COVID-19 cases is less than 6% of the global cases."
BOOM! Problem solved. If everyone in America just went on a golf trip for the next two weeks we would stomp this virus out before Easter.