UPDATE: Biggest Asshole In Pittsburgh History Prank Orders 300 Sandwiches From Triangle...

UPDATE 4/21: I had the pleasure of speaking with Triangle Bar and Grille about the situation, and they informed me that it was not a prank, but a miscommunication.

"It wasn’t a prank. It was a customer whom we have done business with over the years... He said he tried to cancel the order but couldn’t get through, but I’ll never sell him out, just figure out what to do next... I always say, it’s not what happens, it’s how you respond that matters most"

I'm issuing a retraction because it's not fair to some guy out there who just fucked up an order and now has all of Facebook grabbing their pitchforks. As stated in the original disclaimer, this is a satire and entertainment blog, not the Post Gazette. When everything was said and done, it all worked out in the end for Triangle.

PS. I still mean everything I said about Philly.

You know who's going to burn in hell when they die? The jackass who ordered 300 Destroyer sandwiches from Triangle Bar and Grill in Swissvale on Thursday, and never showed up to pay for them.

First of all, let's clear the air on a very sensitive subject. Yes, I can eat an entire Super Battleship, and no, it's not even a close call. I'd easily scoop up the left over shredded lettuce, dripping with oil and vinegar and stuff it into my mouth before you could even get halfway through your janky little Torpedo. So let's not kid ourselves during the rest of the article.

According to TribLive "the surplus sandwiches...didn’t go to waste. Many of them were snapped up by other hungry patrons and the remainder were donated."

“We were really busy today, so it helped out with our line,” Triangle staff member Rob Bradica said. “People have been posting online that it was real cool — they didn’t have to wait long, they got in and out.”

What an awesome move. Instead of folding under pressure like a hoagie shop in Philly would do, Triangle quickly responded with ingenuity that not only made their customers' experience faster (thus safer), but they also donated the left overs to the local hospital. Truly Pittsburgh at its finest.

Triangle makes the best hoagies in the state of PA. How do I know? Because I once drove from Philadelphia back to Pittsburgh on the turnpike and the entire time I had one hand on the wheel while using my other hand to eat 3 cheesesteaks from 3 of the highest acclaimed hoagie spots in Philly.

When I got back to Pittsburgh – right before I hit the Squirrel Hill Tunnels – I stopped for one more sandwich at Triangle. And even though I was so full, and every bite I took was 100% gluttony, I enjoyed the Triangle at least 23% more than each of the Philly subs.

On to the asshole who thought it would be funny to order $2400 worth of sandwiches without the intent of ever picking them up -- I'm putting out a $500 bounty on that person's head.

Once you find them just send me a picture and your CashApp or Venmo account for payment.

DISCLAIMER: When I wrote this article I was not expecting it to get shared OVER 500 times on Facebook. So just to be absolutely 100% clear. PLEASE DO NOT go out and kill someone for $500. That's a joke, and I will not pay you, and I'm not even sure the person exists.

This is a satire blog with articles like "Bill Peduto Never Learned to Ride a Bike", and "I Bought a Crystal Ball to Time Travel In Antonio Brown's Basement". Take nothing written here seriously.

I apologize to those of you who got the joke, and hate to see me explain it, but this article really stirred up the passion in people. Maybe it's the love of Triangle, or the hate for Philly or the internet's obsession with witch hunts. Either way, please take it easy out there.