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Has Russia Declared War on Lawrenceville?

Updated: May 29, 2020

Memorial Day isn't just about picnics and barbecues. It's about honoring those who have paid the ultimate sacrifice for our nation. Now I must admit, it would be mighty hypocritical of me to shame our readers for getting drunk and eating a whole container of potato salad over the weekend without pausing to observe the true meaning of the holiday.

However, one thing is for sure – throwing a bucket of red paint on a statue commemorating the fallen heroes of WWI and WWII is possibly the worst way to do the holiday. It's worse than putting in overtime on Labor Day, or getting a divorce on Valentine's Day.

At this point we have no choice... we're chalking the incident up to an act of war. But who would declare war on Lawrenceville and why? Look no further than the hammer and sickle painted on the statue, and I think we've found our culprit. Russia.

Sure it might be en vogue to point the finger at Moscow when things don't go our way, but before you start shouting "fake news!" at a humble sports satire blog, consider a very compelling motive I just thought about 3 minutes ago.

Ever heard of man named Craig Patrick? No? He's only a former Pittsburgh Penguin GM responsible for the acquisitions of guys like Jaromir Jagr, Ron Francis, Sidney Crosby, Evgeni Malkin and Marc Andre-Fleury. No big deal.

That same Craig Patrick, who practically built the Penguins' dynastic rosters with his own bare hands, was also the assistant coach of the "Miracle on Ice" team in 1980. Are you starting to see the connection here? After 40 long years, the Soviet chickens have come home to roost.

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