I Summoned Yinzers From The Future in Antonio Brown's Basement With a Crystal Ball
Updated: May 29, 2020
I love them to death, but sometimes Yinzers say really stupid shit. Sure, they aren’t Philly or Cleveland levels of dense, but in a city known for its sports, they’re an ever-present part of life, serving as crazy street preachers on Twitter shouting for someone’s head or to trade so-and-so for someone you’ve never heard of.
If there’s anything that modern technology has accomplished, it’s the new standard of providing some morons a platform to embarrass themselves, and Pittsburgh is no exception.
Jagoff Sports doesn’t just expect to find bad takes on Twitter, we thrive off of them. And beating everyone to the punch when someone has a horrible take online is a ticket to stardom.
So when I came across a Craigslist ad claiming to give away a “FULLY FUNCTIONAL” crystal ball, I had to get my hands on it. This could finally be the edge that Jagoff needs to compete with the likes of DKPittsburghSports or SteelersDepot.
I know what you’re thinking. “Witchcraft? Crystal Ball? WTF!” Trust me, I was skeptical too, but something inside me told me to dig deeper. My curiosity got the best of me. I contacted the seller of the strange, magical sphere, and the same night received a very cryptic email response:
I began to question what I was getting myself into. Was “7 days” supposed to be some sort of threat? Where could I find “the darkest of ritual grounds”? At least the disclaimer was comforting.
I anxiously waited around for a week — barely able to concentrate on who I was cheering against in the AFC and NFC championship games. I tried to fight off my nerves by focusing on the darkest places in Pittsburgh sports where I could use the crystal ball.
Would it have worked well outside that bar in Denver where they shot Joey Porter? Perhaps, but that was too far to travel, and what if the crystal ball is a fake? What about Bob Nutting’s front lawn? That would be dark, but I didn’t want to cause a scene and end up in jail.
Then it hit me. Who in Pittsburgh sports has taken the darkest turn of them all?
Antonio Brown’s old house is still empty, and I know exactly where it is. No one knows what kind of twisted, dark energy was still swirling in that place, but I was about to find out.
Finally, the package arrived 7 days after baphometfan666’s email, and I immediately grabbed the box and drove to Gibsonia to test its magical limits. Upon arrival at the abandoned mansion I felt a sense of peculiar energy resonating from the box. I opened it and pulled out a grayish opaque glass ball.
I opened the front door, and entered the former Brown residence. “Head to the basement,” an eery voice whispered. At that point I was shitting myself, but I couldn’t turn back. I found the stairs and descended — deep into the darkness.
With each step down, the grayish hue of the crystal ball began to turn to a light purple, and I could feel the magic begin to swell. I delved deeper into the basement, and images of falling furniture and awful haircuts began to flash in front of my eyes. The ball was now glowing bright purple.
“This is a place of great darkness” the voice rang out. I stopped in my tracks.
“I can show you many things,” it continued. “Would you like to see how your world ends? Perhaps you are interested in how it began? Would you like to know the secret to all the world’s mysteries? Some seek fortune. I can tell you the Powerball numbers for this Wednesday, it’s up to like $300 million dollars.”
“No,” I responded. “I desire to see only one thing. Show me the dumbest yinzer hot-takes that will happen on Twitter this year.”
“So be it,” the ball lit up and began to swirl. Flashing images of drunken brawls at Steeler games erupted from the light. Scenes of black and yellow tailgaters danced around the sphere. The smell of cigarette smoke and spilled Iron City filled the air.
And this is what I saw…
If Ben Roethlisberger Isn’t 100% Next Season, The Steelers Should Acquire Joe Flacco
Rumors are flying off the shelves about Roethlisberger’s ability to come back next year and play at a competitive level. There have been some interesting suggestions of who could potentially replace him if the Steelers aren’t comfortable with Mason Rudolph and Duck Hodges.
Enter: Joe Flacco.
As will be mentioned by the writer of this terrible take, Flacco is a Superbowl winner, has a bigger arm than any QB other than #7 on the roster, and would most likely be an easy grab.
They’ll also ramble on about how Joe Flacco has unfinished business in the AFC North after losing his team to Lamar Jackson. They’ll probably bring up his ties to Pittsburgh and that whole thing where he cried a bunch after losing a starting job to Tyler Palko.
Why This is a Terrible Take: It’s Joe Flacco. Unlike those Tom Brady rumors where you can’t really stomach it, but honestly you’d be okay with it if it happened, this would be horrible. Flacco is coming off a herniated disk injury and wasn’t really all that great to begin with. Plus, do you really want this guy leading your team:
Usually about this time of year we’re due for the classic “Trade Malkin” declarations from the Pittsburgh sports media, but after a run earlier this year where the Penguins played well without an injured Crosby, someone had to take it up a notch.
This take won’t actually be all that hot on the surface. It’ll kind of be presented in the way that awkward teenager tries to get his crush to make out with him: “Like, wouldn’t it be crazy if we made out?”
This will be followed by some tweets that say that it’s all hypothetical and he’s not really into it, it would just be like “totally crazy” and “kinda cool” but we all know that dude is a horndog for trading Crosby.
Why This is a Terrible Take: Trading away a generational talent in their prime to late-prime hasn’t really worked out for other teams. Sure, the Oilers won a cup after trading Gretzky, but do you even know who Jimmy Carson is?
This won’t even be about any sport you care about, it might not even be a sport. Honestly it could be about pancakes I don’t know, but one of tweets is going to say something in a way that is both uncomfortable and confusing.
What’s a shoulder mink, I have no idea, but it sounds bad. Look for this one around Tuesday at 11am, because if you’re gonna be a jagoff you might as well do it at a time where you can’t even blame drinking (or can you?).
Why This is a Terrible Take: Do I even have to say why?
Bob Nutting Is An Underrated Owner
This will be in article form. Led by a new front office and manager, the Pirates will be on their usual win streak that happens way too early in the season to really matter. Most people are going to be pleasantly surprised, but aware of the inevitable: the team isn’t going anywhere.
However, our brave journalist will composite every meaningless stat, every single on-base percentage divided by usage during inter-league play, to prove beyond certainty that Bob Nutting is one of the best owners in Major League baseball and, this goes without saying: the best owner in Pittsburgh.
Why This is a Terrible Take: In short, Bob Nutting doesn’t spend money. While cleaning house this year and bringing in former Penguins executive Travis Williams and new manager Derek Shelton feels like a step forward, it doesn’t mean Nutting “gets it” all of a sudden. At his best, he still talks in circles and vague phrases when discussing the team’s spending. A couple solid decisions doesn’t automatically mean you’re a fantastic owner.