Updated: May 29, 2020
We all get drunk and do stupid things. Sometimes, we end up going home with a 3.5 or we get our ass kicked outside a bar. One time my buddy got run over by a car and I thought he was dead. Good times.
But all that fun stuff wasn't enough for one bright-minded Jagoff who decided he was going to break into Heinz Field and steal a Lombardi Trophy from the Coca-Cola Great Hall. Jagoff Sports sat down with the trophy-thieving criminal for an exclusive interview:
Jagoff Sports: So tell us why you broke into Heinz Field?
It was Memorial Day Weekend 2017. A gorgeous day. The Sun was bright, the air was warm, and the beer was cold. I was out with the boys all day long in Southside, and at some point we decided to go to Tequila Cowboy. I had no idea what I was getting into, and naturally lost my friends in the first 23 seconds upon entering the venue.
I ended up by myself near the mechanical bull, the same place where there just so happened to be the most beautiful brunette I've ever seen in my life. She was rocking around on the bull like a certified professional, and I needed it in my life. It was like a scene in the movies where they want you to know the characters are experiencing love at first sight -- everything was in slow motion while she bucked around on top of the steel beast.
"If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be" was playing over the loudspeakers during her ride and it put me in a trance. Fuckin' Florida Georgia Line convinced me it was meant to be, and I had to make it so.
After she was done working the mechanical bull, and sending my heart on a rodeo ride of its own, I worked up the courage to shoot my shot. I hadn’t eaten much that day, but I drank my weight in margaritas, so I knew my charm was at an all-time-high.
The bar was extremely crowded though, and she left the bull-riding area from the opposite end of where I was watching. That meant I had to fight through a thick crowd of Pirate fans and drunken cowboys just to talk to her.
Jagoff Sports: Oh no. That place gets extremely crowded. So what did you do?
I ended up pushing through a crowd of 40 or 50 people. I think I accidentally elbowed a girl in the face and I know I knocked a full beer out of one guy's hand that smashed all over the floor. People were screaming, but I couldn't stop. "It was meant to be" just kept blaring in my head and I could see the bull-riding brunette through a crowd of only about 10 more people.
So I finally get up to her, and in all my drunken wisdom I grab her shoulders from behind and start shaking her thinking that it would be some kind of friendly gesture and totally normal ice-breaker. It was not.
She started freaking out, asking who the fuck I am, and screaming to stop touching her. Meanwhile, I just left a trail of 60 pissed-off drunk people in my wake who immediately flock to the scene and begin circling the bandwagons around us.
"No I just, saw your bull-riding and figured you could handle it," was the best excuse I could come up with for practically assaulting some random chick who I was hoping would somehow automatically give me the same treatment she gave to the mechanical bull just seconds before.
"Get away from me!" she yelled in response. "You're a fucking loser."
Jagoff Sports: This is entertaining and all, but what does it have to do with you breaking into Heinz Field?
Okay. So that was the setup. I was kicked out of Tequila Cowboy shortly thereafter, and I was 10/10 pissed. Normal people would probably have called it a night, but I was not a normal person. I was drunk and on 60mgs of Adderall so the show must to go on.
I started walking towards the casino, but as I approached the front entrance I remembered that I was blacklisted from there the summer before.
Jagoff Sports: So apparently this wasn't the first time that you did something stupid like this?
I don't remember why I was blacklisted from the casino, so in theory it might not have been something stupid I did. Anyway, I'm walking back towards Tequila Cowboy and I noticed that the gates of Heinz Field were open.
I think to myself, "It's meant to be that I go in there.” I walked through the Great Hall admiring the trophies and other memorabilia on display, and I came up with the best idea I've ever had. I was going to march back into Tequila Cowboy and show that bull-riding bitch The Lombardi Trophy from Super Bowl XL.
Jagoff Sports: That's a fantastic plan. How did you get arrested?
I tried removing the glass from the trophy case. Eventually some fat guy on a golf cart rolled up and asked me to sit with him. I obliged, not thinking that it would be that big of a deal.
I sat and explained to with him and another security guy the whole story about the girl from Tequila Cowboy. I described in great detail how she had perfect form riding the bull, and that I needed the Lombardi to take back with me to show her. They were into it. Then the cops arrived.
I never thought that my two new security guard buddies would snake me like that, but those bastards called the cops. I attempted to reason with the police to just let me run and get like a 20 second head start. But alas, they took me to my new home, the Allegheny County Jail. Trespassing is a felony.
Jagoff Sports: What was Allegheny County Jail like?
If the jail had better furniture, was warmer, had better food, didn’t smell like death, and the guards weren’t the worst people you have ever met in your life then it would be a pretty fun destination spot.
I made friends easy. When I was placed into a holding pod with about 15 other guys someone immediately said, “Hey are you Heinz Field? Everyone’s talking about you man.” I told my about why I was on the inside, and everyone could relate. It was a huge respect thing.
Before long I was practically running the place. I got to hear everyone’s stories of how they ended up there and I realized that I was with a bunch of innocent people. We were all just trying to chase our bull-riding brunette in one way or another.
Throughout the next day we were taken one-by-one to be arraigned and some would be released and some would go upstairs. Throughout the ordeal one thing remained consistent and that was the love that my fellow innocently incarcerated had for me. As their names would be called they would come up to me and give me a hug.
It was truly beautiful, and it changed me as a man. It's the main platform I'm using for my run for mayor in 2021.
Jagoff Sports: You're running for mayor of Pittsburgh now?
Absolutely! The fact that we have such miserable curmudgeons running the jail is most likely the reason the suicide rate in there is so high. It’s a stain on Bill Peduto’s already embarrassing legacy.
So keep your eyes peeled for a strong candidate to come out for the 2021 election. I've already got the support of so many on the inside, that I expect it will be a landslide.
Jagoff Sports: What are your thoughts on the recent bombshell article published by Jagoff Sports that Mayor Peduto doesn't know how to ride a bicycle?
That doesn’t shock me at all.