Goldman Sachs, Apple, Coca-Cola, Nike, Jagoff Sports... What do all of these amazing brands have in common? Up until last week, not a whole lot.
However, since we've relocated from the attic of an undisclosed house in Brookline to the new, high-tech, Bruce Wayne-style office of the future, we're practically the biggest and baddest media company in town. Suck our self-driving, virtual reality dicks KDKA.
As you can see from the pictures, our office is well equipped for our massive staff. The building is made from 94% recycled sheep wool mixed with a hybrid plastic derived from all the plastic straws people stopped using in 2019.
Poor turtles – how will they do cocaine under the sea now? Just another issue that Jagoff Sports will be working endlessly to raise awareness for. #LetTheTurtlesBump
Here's a photo of our talented and diverse staff during one of our patented innovation, ideas, and integration (I.I.I.) meetings. A new study from MIT reported that people write better sports blogs when they're surrounded by aesthetically pleasing decor, so we've made it our mission to only hire 8's and above.
We're young, we're hip, and we're constantly laughing with each other about funny, yet totally appropriate jokes in the office. How can we be sure there's no harassment in the work place with all these sexy people doing sexy things? Our new HR department is run by robots who monitor our writer's thoughts.
Thinking about Jessica's fat ass? Accidentally checked out Chet's bulge? You'll be fired immediately. We'll be damned if one of our writers runs for public office in 40 years only to humiliate our brand for an unauthorized ejaculation in the break room.
Feeling tired? We've installed an A.I. coffee maker that sources 100% fair trade, French Arabica beans hand-picked by oompa loompas from the Amazon rain forrest. Coffee isn't enough for you? Drug companies have paid us off to have doctors on speed dial ready to write scripts for any form of amphetamine you want. Mix in some antidepressants for some really creative inspiration.
So there we have it. The new office is our oyster. We're moving up in the world, and I'm personally looking forward to bringing more content to the masses as we move back towards some semblance of normalcy.