• Ev

Let's Just Stop Using Words So No One Gets Offended Anymore

The Dixie Chicks are now just called "The Chicks" which should last another 6-8 months before feminists freak out, and they're forced to become the band "The".

The Master's Golf Tournament.... you know the one where golfers show us how they've mastered the game of golf? It's now under fire from Deadspin. Master Lock is up next to be called "inclusive lock" where every key opens them. Even Deadspin was out of business a month ago, and its rebirth is offensive to Buddhists.

People named Michael need to change their names because of the violence portrayed in the Halloween films, and the letter 'y' needs to be stripped from the alphabet because it's sometimes a vowel and sometimes not and that's extremely triggering for the B's, the T's and the Q's – be better than that 'y' – especially during pride month.

We will immediately remove all hops from beer recipes going forward because rabbits hop higher than bunnies, but not as high as kangaroos which are a marsupial by the way, and a perfect segway into the next cancellation:

Today, there are about 250 marsupial species alive in Australia, around 120 marsupial species in South America and just one (the Virginia opossum) living in North America. The Virginia opossum is extremely under represented, so it will no longer be considered a marsupial but instead considered a fish, of which there are plenty in Virginia.

I can never spell the word 'guaranteed' without spell check so it's cancelled, and the words 'affect' and 'effect' are so preposterously interchangeable that they will both be suspended from future publications of the dictionary without pay.

Any reference to multiple people (Ya'll, You Guys, Yous, You All, etc.) that isn't Yinz is extremely offensive to Pittsburghers and therefor will not be tolerated, and moving forward every salad MUST have the option to include french fries in it, or we can't expect your restaurant to be taking the Pittsburgh population seriously. I hope all your waiters get fired.

We will also be changing the name of JagoffSports.com to just Sports.com, but to do so we are starting a GoFundMe to raise enough money to buy the domain ($238k). So please don't read anything written on this site until you see the name change.