"Mayor Bill Peduto Doesn't Actually Know How to Ride A Bicycle" Anonymous Source Tells Jagoff Sports
Updated: May 29, 2020
We typically steer clear of politics here at Jagoff Sports, but with the expansion of cycling lanes in the area, we felt this story was extremely relevant to sporting news in town. In the biggest bombshell report of the last decade, an anonymous source inside Pittsburgh’s City Hall has suggested to Jagoff Sports that Mayor Bill Peduto may have never actually learned to ride a bicycle.
From the anonymous source:
“I overheard [Peduto] speaking with who I assume was his housemaid or someone cleaning out his 5-car garage,” the anonymous, but extremely legitimate source told us. “It was a normal conversation at first. The person on the other line would name an item and Big Will would tell them to throw it out or keep it.”
Jagoff Sports: “Big Will?”
Source: “Oh yeah, sorry. Mayor Peduto was getting tired of all the nicknames he was receiving from the public, so he requested his entire staff call him Big Will.”
According to our anonymous, but reliable source, things took a strange turn a couple minutes into the phone call.
“Then something weird happened. I heard the voice on the other end of the phone ask about a small bicycle they found in his garage. Mayor Peduto’s face turned white as a ghost,” the anonymous, yet extremely reliable source continued.
“He rushed to close the mahogany double doors to his massive office and stumbled over his copper bar cart, spilling expensive scotch all over the imported Persian rug he has in there.”
Jagoff Sports: “What happened next?”
Source: “The voice on the phone continued describing the bicycle, asking if perhaps it was Peduto’s from childhood. Then there was a gasp on the line, and a long pause. The last thing I heard from the phone before Mayor Peduto finally slammed his doors was ‘Wait a minute, the training wheels are still on it.’ It was a very abrupt scene.”
Jagoff Sports: “So what are you inferring?”
Source: “It’s entirely possible that Mayor Bill Peduto doesn’t actually know how to ride a bicycle.”
We don’t want to get ahead of ourselves, but this is obviously the type of information that could swing elections, and change public policy forever. If our source inside Pittsburgh City Hall is correct, Mayor Peduto may have never had the training wheels taken off his bicycle as a child.
What does this mean? It’s possible that the expansion of bicycle lanes in Pittsburgh are a cope. It’s possible that the entire campaign for two-wheeled transit options are a facade meant to cover an embarrassing past, and it’s only right that the people of Pittsburgh know.