Updated: May 29, 2020
Are you searching for a reason to cheer for the Pirates this summer? Look no further. Reddit user and Pirates diehard Dirty_Windbreaker2 has vowed to shove an entire Jordy Mercer bobble head up his ass if our battlin' bucs can make it to the playoffs.
Jagoff Sports reached out to the bold Pirates fan for comment on the matter, but he declined to comment, pulling a big-time power move and calling us "pally wally" in response.
I don't blame Dirty_Windbreaker2 for declining to comment. This is a huge gamble, and he likely needs to begin mental preparation for what seems like a really awkward object to have inside your butt. Can you imagine if late September rolls around and the pirates are on the cusp of a wilcard playoff birth? He'll be tightening his sphincter on every pitch.
The bobblehead itself isn't a trivial suppository. The promotions department chose to have the former Pirates shortstop bent over, making a backhand stop. I imagine this particular bobblehead is a lot harder to stuff into your ass than typical bobbleheads. The only one I can think of that might be harder to perform with would be the classic Manny Sanguillen and Steve Blass Double Bobblehead.
Side Note: If you're saving this bobblehead in your basement in hopes that it might be worth something someday (like me), someone just sold one on Ebay for $30, but it was in the box.
Personally, I think this vow to take a bobblehead in the ass is the type of energy we need from bucco fans heading into the 2020 season. If the club is going to refuse to be competitive, then we need to raise the stakes. Dirty_Windbreaker2 is leading the charge.
The front office refuses to call it a rebuilding year, yet it feels like we've been in rebuilding mode since 2016. Rumors are flying that Josh Bell could get dealt on the heels of a trade that resulted in a bunch of no-name farm league players joining the Pirates in exchange for the last player left from the memorable 2013 season -- Starling Marte.
“We’re not tearing something down to start over,” Cherington explained to the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette on Wednesday. “We are simply taking a team that wasn’t good enough or wasn’t as good as we wanted to be last year, but has a group of players with a chance to be much better, and we’re trying to build on that.”
What complete bullshit.
To add insult to injury the latest headlines for the Pirates involved the signing of a 16 year old Australian that gave us all flashbacks to the time the organization held a pitching competition for a bunch of kids from India. In these darkest of times, we might just have a spark to ignite some excitement about baseball around here. A mini-Jordy Mercer enema.
When another Bucco fan recognized they owned the same bobblehead but would not be shoving it into their ass if the Pirates made the playoffs, Dirty_Windbreaker2 responded "Well then I guess the difference between you and me is that I’m a real fan."