Pittsburgh's Best and Worst Neighborhoods For Trick-Or-Treating
Remember the age-old tale of the razor-blade in the apple? Spooky. A bunch of Werther's in your pumpkin bucket? Terrifying! Six mile walks up and down stairs while carrying one kid and constantly yelling at the other? Boo!
Trust our handy guide to picking and choosing the best neighborhoods for trick-or-treating so your Halloween doesn't end in tears or bloodshed.
The Best
Mt. Lebanon/Dormont
People from Mt. Lebanon think they're great. In reality they just live in Dormont with higher taxes and less trendy restaurants. But don't let their snobbish attitude keep you from going door-to-door on Halloween this year. Lebo is great because you get the perfect combination of tightly arranged houses and neighbors who feel the need to give out $3.99 candy bars to keep up with the Jones's (cough: Virginia Manor).
"Dormonsters" wish they lived in Mt. Lebanon. And while you might get less full-sized candy bars in Dormont, the houses per block is considerably higher than neighborhoods further out in the South Hills. Get ready to fill a pillowcase with a ton of fun-sized candy bars.
Aspinwall
Aspinwall is flat. In fact, it might be the flattest neighborhood in the city. Prepare yourselves for the mind-blowing ease of actually walking without sweating out your spiked apple cider from the pores of your cheap, ill-fitting, half-assed halloween costume.
Marvel at the profound innovation of straight, tripping hazard-free paths that even Grandpa Joe can navigate in his wheelchair. Let's not forget, flat equals fast — zip from house to mundane house, amassing a tragically enormous stash of cavity-inducing sweets in record time.
Shadyside
Trick-or-treating in an old money neighborhood, you say? Brace yourself for an evening of wandering amidst architectural marvels and impeccably manicured gardens that seem to scream wealth louder than a haunted house screams horror.
Each doorbell ring doesn’t just promise a generic candy bar - oh no, it’s an invitation to briefly step into a world of opulence, where the candy is just an afterthought beside the luxurious ambiance. Prepare to navigate the labyrinth of long driveways, guarded by statues that might just come to life, and receive treats that probably have gold flakes or are artisanally crafted by a gourmet chocolatier. Remember, it's not just about filling a bag with sweets; it’s a crash course in elegance and extravagance. Happy High-End Halloween!
The Worst
Beechview
Ah, the exquisite torture of trick-or-treating in a neighborhood where every house is perched atop its own personal Mount Everest. Truly a masochist’s delight, Beechview's topography ensures that only cross-fit douchebags and cyclists survive the candy collection ordeal.
How delightful it is to scale these formidable peaks, each step a reminder of one’s woeful lack of cardio commitment throughout the year? And let’s not overlook the comedic value as we witness the slow disintegration of cheap, off-the-rack Halloween costumes, each hill conquered leaving behind a trail of synthetic fabric. Oh, what joy it is to reach the summit, gasping for breath, only to be rewarded with a fun-size token of sugary disappointment.
McKeesport
Why worry about imaginary goblins and ghouls when you can worry about shooters and rapists? McKeesport, where every step is an adrenaline-pumping game of Russian roulette. Just imagine the tales of survival you'll recount, having braved the sinister gauntlet of mischief and malevolence for an expired Mounds.
Tired of dealing with criminals at their homes? Take a break from the residential areas and make a pit stop at the family friendly Club Erotica, the second shittiest strip club in Pittsburgh.
Spring Hill/City View
Everything you just read about Beechview and McKeesport combined.