Updated: Sep 27
The city of Pittsburgh was captivated today when the most awesome 10 year old in the world stole a skid steer and took it for a joyride around the streets of Brookline. While major news outlets published the Ring doorbell footage earlier, only Jagoff Sports was able to attain an exclusive interview with the 10 year old himself.
Due to privacy concerns for the minor and his parents, we're unable to use his real name. However, he asked to be referred to as Rodney for the interview.
Jagoff Sports: Thanks for taking this interview on such short notice. Today must have been a stressful day for you, huh?
Rodney: Yeah, sure. I've been working in construction for about 6 years, but recently, my company had to let me go because of some project delays. It's been tough finding another job, and I'm really feeling the pinch with the rising gas and cigarette prices.
Jagoff Sports: Uhhh. Okay. Is that why you stole the skid steer then?
Rodney: Well, it's hitting us pretty hard. When I was working, I had to drive to different job sites, and with the gas prices skyrocketing, it's become a significant expense. It means less money for other essentials. It's not like I'm spending money on dumb shit, like lottery tickets.
Jagoff Sports: Wait, what? What did you say earlier about cigarettes? Aren't you too young to smoke? How do you even get your hands–
Rodney: I know it's not good, but it's a way I cope with stress. But now, with the prices so high, it's tough to afford them. F*cking pack of reds is over $10 now. So yeah I should quit. You think that's easy?
Jagoff Sports: No. I mean, I never really smoked so I don't know about that. Anyway can we talk about the incident today with the skid steer?
Rodney: Absolutely. Yeah so like I said, I've been out of work lately, and I think a lot of it has to do with the bullshit going on down at the union hall, ya know?
Jagoff Sports: What? What's happening at the union hall?
Rodney: It's just frustrating when you have someone in a leadership position who doesn't seem to have a clear vision or the ability to effectively advocate for our interests. Like what are we paying all these union dues for if that asshole is just there to constantly make concessions to the employers? The guy should be wearing a dress.
Jagoff Sports: Sorry, but this is a wild tangent. Can we talk about the incident today?
Rodney: You think it's a tangent, but it's all so obvious. A guy like me has been working his ass off, making an honest living for 6 years now. And then what? Union president can't do a damn thing for us, and a pack of cigarettes is $12? Isn't it obvious why I stole the skid steer today? What else is a man supposed to do in that situation?
Jagoff Sports: No that makes perfect sense. Thanks for you time today, Rodney.
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