So it’s happened again, you’ve forgot Father’s Day, despite the passive aggressive texts from your mom reminding you, commercials telling you to buy dad a car, and the nonstop gift guide articles on every site but ours (we would have them too, but nobody’s paid us yet. In fact take note of that, this is probably the only sincere gift guide on the internet). But here you are hungover on Father's Day with only a few hours to go before you cement your status as "the bad son" for the fourth year in a row. Fear not, Jagoff Sports is here to help with a gift guide for the best things to get Dad on Father's Day that will require little to no effort from you.
Alcohol is always the best gift, it's easy to acquire and you know your dad will love it. While some might suggest going for a bourbon or scotch, there's a lot more margin for error there. Sure, your dad might like scotch, but you get him the wrong one and in thirty so years from now when you're cleaning out your parents house you'll find that bottle in the back of the liquor cabinet, dusty and untouched, and in that moment you will know that you fucked up big time and your dad was, til his dying day, disappointed in you. Plus, that shit is expensive. So go with beer.
Now there are two schools of thought with buying beer: get him something he likes, or get something he hates that you like. The second choice is a win for you because you've done the work of providing a gift, while really just getting yourself beer. However I'm going to suggest a third option: weird old-timey beer. Go and find something nostalgic like Old German. It's terrible, but nostalgic. With every sip your dad will remember the days when his Pop would drink a case of the stuff as they sat out on the front porch listening to Bob Prince call a Buccos’ games. The other plus of an bad old school beer is it'll 1000% be still be on shelves, so you can wait until the last moment to grab it.
If you have kids, put them to use. Tell them that what daddy really wants besides a new set of wedges (emphasize that isn’t a pick and choose kinda deal you want whole the set, preferably Vokeys) is for them to make something for grandpa. Your dad will pretend to be delighted by whatever garbage they make. Really he’ll be proud that you learned something from him about getting others to do your work for you.
Old Spice Gift Set
A classic for over 60 years! Available at all fine convenience stores. It's the Whitman's sampler of Father's Day. No one really wants it, but it's still a socially acceptable gift. This is a great thing to pad your gift out with. Pair this with some regifted saltwater taffy your aunt sent you for Christmas, and a wax seal you got on a trip to Colonial Williamsburg that's been in your desk drawer for 10 years and you've got yourself a super gift for your Pop! Remember more is more, regardless of quality.
For this one you'll need to use your acting skills. Tell your dad you had this great trip planned pick a place your dad really wants to go or loves. Shaking your head, relay how everything was in the works for months, but then the damn ‘rona struck and you were still trying to reschedule it up until today, but things just fell through. Say you'll make it up to him and eventually you'll make this wonderful trip happen. This is pretty much the adult equivalent handwritten coupon that kids give out for one free hug, but on steroids. The trip will never happen or be reduced to a round of golf or something manageable, but in the eyes of your dad you tried to give him the best gift ever.
He gets a free smiley cookie if you eat in at Eat’n Park so, that’s rad.
A Subscription to Jagoff Insider Zine (JIZ)
Subscriptions are all the rage these days so, why don’t you give him a subscription to our weekly newsletter, it’s free but you don’t have to tell him that. Your dad will love seeing the instagram hottie of the week and our own Cody Kohlman drink hot sauce. Plus you can probably still get a cool shirt out of it. You can sign up here