SOUTH SIDE: Puppy Shoots a Guy in The D*ck with a Shotgun

You've seen the film Air Bud: Dogs In Heat so you're aware of the amazing things dogs can do. Puppies are dogs that haven't grown up yet. So while they sometimes do cute things you'd expect crotch shots on adult humans to come from the grown up version of puppies which are known as "dogs".

Of course there was a psychopath in South Side today with a shot gun. The first time I ever heard real gun shots was in South Side. That was 12 years ago, before it turned into the scene from Mad Max that you see today. Why do I still live in this neighborhood? Because I'm a scumbag.

I used to work in a kitchen with a guy we called Smiley because most of his teeth were missing. The guy made the best macaroni and cheese you'd ever eat, but he was a deranged alcoholic with a knack for domestic disputes. Smiley lived in South Side because he was a scumbag. One night he had a bit too much brown liquor and he drove his car into an oncoming police car because his old lady wouldn't shut up.

We have no idea why shotgun guy was calling 9-1-1. Was he calling the cops on the puppy? Was someone breaking into his house? There's plenty of reasons to call the cops on people in South Side, so it's an open case for now...

Whatever reason he called 9-1-1 changed rather quickly when the puppy shot him in the lower extremities. Can you imagine if this guy was just minding his own business when someone broke into his house, and when he called the cops his own dog shot him in the dick? That would be the easiest house robbery ever.

What if it's not even his puppy? What if he's watching the puppy for his sister or something? What if he was waiting for his ex-girlfriend to show up to take back the puppy he didn't want because they just broke up and she's been drinking a lot because of it, so she forgot her key and broke through the window in an attempt to have make-up sex with him and save the relationship?

We don't have more details on the story yet, but I'll be following along as I live a couple blocks away from Crossman. I'm also announcing my new role as the party scene correspondent for Jagoff Sports. I graduated from Duquesne 15 years ago and still live in South Side and love to party. Like I said, scumbag.