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The Chicks From The Bachelor If They Were NFL Quarterbacks

Updated: May 29, 2020

Okay, let’s be honest...this season of the bachelor has been a complete trainwreck with Pete the pilot going completely off the rails. However, it's not just Pete. These girls are a hot mess trying to play the field to win Pilot Pete’s heart.

Now not all of them have given us MVP type performances, but it has brought us some quality Monday night drama with some super hot chicks. So why not combine super hot chicks with football?!

Let’s start this off with our leading man...

Pete / Sam Darnold

So Pete the pilot might be an alright guy, but come on, the dude is a complete dumpster fire bachelor and the same goes for Sam Darnold who is out here seeing ghosts. Both dudes are probably really sweet guys, however, there isn’t much else going on. They are just two really goofy guys.

From Peter bashing a glass off of his forehead, to Sam Darnold leaving a game to rip off a toenail, these men are fragile and extremely injury prone. They also really love making out. Pete, take some notes from mono boy so you don't have another season set back.

I cannot confirm this information but I would bet that both aircraft boys are in the mile high club.  Also unrelated but I think it should be mandatory that every Jets quarterback must know how to fly a jet...only seems right LOL .If Peter can, I am sure you can too Sam.

Hannah Ann / Patrick Mahomes

From the moment Hannah Ann was introduced on the show, the viewers knew she was going to be a front runner. I even think she was the first girl to go tongue deep down Peter’s throat, and that is most definitely some Patty Mahomes fourth quarter electric energy. 

Hannah Ann and Mahomes are both youngsters out here making everyone else look lame, because they know exactly how to play the game. Which gives us the reason why Hannah got the first impression rose -- a first round pick indeed.

At first I was going to give this gal Jimmy G, because her looks were overshadowing her lack of skill and guiding her to the superbowl (the final rose).  But in the last few episodes she has been growing on me and putting up an MVP type performance. I think she beats out the rest in the final quarter and wins Peter's heart.

However, she will not be forgiven for pronouncing fiasco as FINASCO i mean what the…...

Madison / Drew Brees

Madison has got it all...the looks, the personality, and she’s overall a great girl who is using her platform to spread the word of God. Though Tim Tebow would have been the ideal match...he is now the face of the MLB, so to the Saints we go for the next best Jesus driven champion, Drew Brees.

Madison and Brees are both very well respected and it's difficult to dislike either of them. They really see the field and effortlessly make the plays to bring them closer to the trophy.  Throughout Brees' career he's met plenty of obstacles -- from refs and their horrendous calls to a damn hurricane, and he still has managed to come out as a champion.

With fantasy suites coming up, Madison has a hurricane and some flags coming for Peter (the horniest bachelor ever). If Madison is the real deal like Drew, this girl will also come out of this natural disaster with a ring.

Victoria F / Baker Mayfield

Drama city baby!!! People love to hate them, and love love love to gossip about them! But that's fine because Peter is blinded by Victoria's manipulative tactics and Browns fan will ride with whatever quarterback makes more than two consecutive starts.

Are they good or are they frauds? Either way people sure do have a lot to say. They are very confident, even though Vicky wants to act like she doesnt know what she is doing (AKA fashion show). Though they can be flawed, they are 100% up for a good time at all costs, and they're both people I would definitely drink a zillion beers with.

Victoria was also invited to the fantasy suites for the same reason Baker invites people to the Cheesecake factory! She won’t make it to the final rose and the Browns to the superbowl is a far-fetched idea but who cares because they both FUCK!

Kelsey / Jameis Winston

You never really know what you’re going to get with these two. One day Kelsey will give us a genuine gal looking for love and then the next day she is crying in the corner taking champagne shots to the dome.

Same goes for Jameis, each time the ball leaves his hand it's a 50/50 toss up between either his team or the other team scoring six….(however with his new and improved vision this might change).  Also Kelsey really loves some Iowa crab rangoons and Jamies loves himself some crabs legs...perfect comparison no questions asked !

Kelley / Tom Brady

Kelly is an educated woman who knows exactly what she wants. Tom Brady and her are both seasoned vets who are far superior than their competitors, which ultimately makes them intimidating and draws jealousy to their name.  They KNOW what they are doing, in it to win, and not bothered by the petty gossip.

Kelley also cheated in the bike race and previously had a late night interaction with Pete prior to the show which gave her an up in the that sounds like a true Belichick gal if i’ve ever see one.

Mykenna / Phillip Rivers

I am not sure who has cried more….Mykenna in her four weeks on the Bachelor or Phillip Rivers through one season. A lot of tears have been shed, probably enough to fill up at least five Voss water bottles which Mykenna probably uses as aesthetic for her fashion blogging career.

If punching was allowed on this program there is no doubt that Mykenna is “swinging” just like Phillip. Besides crying, they are decent in their respective crafts, not MVP caliber but they don’t totally blow. However, when Mykenna was sent packing, she made the face of a deflated blowfish and I am sure Phillip Rivers makes the same face every time his geriatric ass gets sacked.

They also have the BEST gifs, please google!

Victoria P / Lamar Jackson

This girl would have won the Heisman for being a smoking hot, total dime piece. I for sure thought she was going to at least make it to home towns. But that's okay she gets to enjoy a nice off-season racking up her instagram partnership before making her way to Paradise to steal the show, which is similar to what Lamar has given us thus far with his NFL career.

Mr Heisman Lamar had a stellar collegiate career, but a slow start in his first season of the NFL. That gave him time to transition from running back Jackson to the unanimous MVP. I feel like that is going to happen for our girl Victoria P. She is going to show up in Mexico and these little boys won't have a clue what to do!

Also Peter you are dumb for letting this TROPHY go.

Tammy / Mason Rudolph

I know I said “NFL Quarterbacks” but Mason really fits the Tammy drama shoe perfectly. These two are both annoying, dramatic, and the fans do not like them! They are always trying to play the victim when they are the one who do the antagonizing. Both are also known for screaming profanities and being very underwhelming. Just like Mason, Tammy is using any drama she can to further her non-existent career.

If we're voting for Bachelor superlatives Tammy is most likely to be bashed in the head by another contestant for saying some outrageous shit.

Alayah / Mitch Trubisky

What does a QB drafted before Patrick Mahomes and Miss Texas on The Bachelor have in common?

Both continuously fail to perform, leaving fans wondering why they are still around. Just like Mitch, Alayah keeps coming back and we do not know why. Peter kept thinking something will change with her just like the Bears fans keep thinking Mitch will bring change as well….you really hate to see it.

Natasha / Cam Newton

Do either of them really want to be here?  Are they really here for the right reasons...hmm? NOPE, but they definitely speak their mind. Clearly Natasha and Pete were never going to work out but that's okay because I loved every time she put him in his place.

Just like Cam with the Panther's, Peter and Natasha, it just isn't going to work out. But again like Cam she really didn’t give a frig and was just here to look good :) and there is nothing wrong with that. Get your bag boys and girls!

Lexi / Andy Dalton

And lastly...gingers who deserve better, need I say more!?


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