Updated: May 29, 2020
We all knew this was coming. Coronavirus has caused mass panic in the streets, the supply chain has broken down completely, and we're all on the verge of starvation. There's only one solution when times get this desperate. Hunger Games.
The districts have been settled for the first time since 1930, and there have been quite a few changes – some more controversial than others. Jagoff Sports is here to break down each district and give you our power rankings. Buckle up.
With over 725,000 registered guns in the state of Texas, you could say that the rootinest tootinest cowboys in the country have long been preparing for HG2020. Now we've learned that they've partnered with Oklahoma, a state in which people chase tornadoes in their cars for fun. This is a deadly combination, and people are calling it "Texlahoma".
Can you see another district in the number 1 spot? There's a 95% chance that who ever is selected in this region has fired a double barrel shotgun, stepped on a rattlesnake and survived multiple tornadoes all in the same week.
What people in Texlahoma (District 6) are saying:
Given that The South has the largest amount of bonafide woodsmen, hunters, fisherman and swamp people, there's plenty of reason to be nervous if you're on the outside looking in. That's why they're coming in at #2 for our power rankings. Why not #1 you ask?
We don't yet know who will be representing The South in HG2020, but with so many states at play, there could be some disagreement amongst how they're going to train their contestant.
A few of these states have been shaky with their commitment to broader state movements in the past, and with the small chance of The South succeeding from itself we have to give the nod to Texas/Oklahoma.
What people in District 4 are saying:
It's been a funny meme for a while now (much like coronavirus was last month). The people of Florida are absolutely insane. What violent crime haven't they committed? Just Google "Florida Man" and whatever the most insane thing you can think of is, and chances are it's been done, twice.
This time around however, it's not just Florida going at it alone. The Official Hunger Games Committee has carved out an entire strip of coastal land moving up through Georgia, South Carolina, and ending at the border between North Carolina and Virginia.
This unprecedented re-assignment of territory could be a huge advantage for an already stacked District 5. They now control a substantial portion of people familiar with boating and aquatic-style combat. That's why we had to give them the #3 spot in our power rankings.
What people in the Coastal District 5 are saying:
Anyone who chooses to rough it out in the desert is tough. The sweltering heat can drive a man insane, and the dry air can chap parts of your body you didn't think needed lotion.
When you combine the mob mentality of those living in Las Vegas with the unrelenting force of the Mormons, shit can get ugly for the rest of America. There's a rumor that people in Salt Lake City have been training their children to go without water for years in preparation for something like this.
One of the most controversial parts of the HG2020 mapping was the inclusion of a small slice of Wyoming in District 11 that includes the small mining town of Rock Springs. Some speculate that there could be foul play at hand, but nothing has been confirmed as of yet.
What people in District 11 are saying:
Kansas, Nebraska, Iowa and Missouri make up the largest portion of farmlands in the USA. If there's one thing we know about the Hunger Games, it takes sustenance to win. Should we see HG2020 turn into a marathon, District 7, or "The Farmlands" will have a clear upper-hand. Almost everyone there knows how to grow their own food.
In yet another controversial mapping decision, The Farmlands were stripped of Northern Iowa, which some claim was gerrymandered away from them by neighboring Chicago/Milwaukee district to the north. Some cities, like Cedar Rapids, Iowa, have been split in half because of it.
The people of The Farmlands are not happy. Will they use it as fuel to win?
What people are saying from the district:
In one of the most unexpected moves in Hunger Games history, Ben Roethlisberger and his team of lobbyists lead the charge to flip Pittsburgh and surrounding counties from the Metro District down to District 2.
The move has prompted analysts to call the new district "The Backyard District", but not everyone is thrilled about the new name. There are plenty of people in Baltimore and Washington D.C. that don't give a shit about Pittsburgh or West Virginia. Could there be some unrest within the ranks of District 2?
At Jagoff Sports, we think Baltimore and DC should embrace the name, and the new partnership – it's the best chance we have at finding a winning warrior.
What people from The Backyard are saying:
Based on the sheer volume of people in The Metro, we're bound to see someone step up that has a fight or two under their belt. You've got the fightin' Irish in Boston, the tough assholes from all over New York City and the Broad Street Bullies coming out of Philadelphia.
The 7 spot might seem high for some of the other website's power rankings, but if HG2020 has a quick finish, I think The Metro District will fare better than expected. Things move fast in the big cities, and although people from The Metro District have never been camping, they're constantly dealing with volatile homeless people.
What people from The Metro are saying:
Rounding Out 8 - 13:
We're rounding out the bottom six in a couple short words for everyone. Don't worry, once the contestants are selected there will be a huge shakeup of the power rankings.
8. Basically Canada - They've got hoser strength, but a lot of them are too nice. Waiting to see how far north their contestant is from.
9. Pacific NW - Idaho is the X-factor. They should be hoping they get a Potato farmer from outside Boise and not a bookstore owner from Portland.
10. Chicago/Milwaukee - Another district where we could get a farmer, or someone who has never been in the woods. Wait and see.
11. New Arizado - Colorado could really fuck District 10. Everyone there is stoned out of their minds right now.
12. California - No shocker that Cali is towards the bottom of power rankings. The last time they brought out a resident for the hunger games it was a disaster.
13. Ohio - Destined to lose at everything.
Stay tuned for pt. II of The Coronavirus Hunger Games. We will publish new power rankings and warrior profiles once the contestants from each district are announced.