The Pittsburgh Marathon Should Be "Virtual" From Now On

Updated: May 29, 2020


In times when we should all be (safely) practicing love and working together to forge through tough times, I am once again here to publish hate, and sew division amongst the hoi polloi.


I HATE the Pittsburgh Marathon, and all the people that run it can kiss my ass.


Why? Because you insignificant assholes shut down the entire city to go for a jog – something that could easily be done out in the woods, or in North Park, or anywhere other than on EVERY MAIN ROAD IN THE ENTIRE CITY. And to add insult to injury the sport isn't fun to watch.


I get it. You want to run around in the streets, and take in our beautiful cityscape. But does that mean that no one can drive anywhere for the entire day? Can't you just run back-and-forth on the same road a bunch of times? That would be the same exact thing.


"NEW MAP REVEALED FOR 2019 MARATHON!" the website reads when they publish the route. The subhead should read "Hope you don't live anywhere inside these lines or your entire day is going to be fucked!"


or alternatively,


"Sorry you can't make it to Grandma's Funeral on Baum Boulevard Sunday morning, people paid $75 so they could get a closer look at the potholes for 13 miles"

And now, in 2020, I'm doubly pissed off.


Of all years, we couldn't have done it when the city was already shut down? No – but I'm sure it'll be back stronger than ever in 2021 when I've got 3 meetings in Shadyside, a court case downtown and a pair of twins on the way at Children's Hospital.


But for 2020, the psycho jogging cult was forced to run somewhere else – like in a gym or on the sidewalk, or on one of the countless trails around the Pittsburgh area. And the roads were crystal clear. It was glorious.


Something that wasn't clear, however, was social media. Much like years in the past, when I don't know it's the marathon until I'm taking a 50 minute detour to drive from Brookline to Southside, in 2020 I didn't know it was the marathon until people posted pictures of themselves sweating and casually dropping their Fitbit stats all over my Facebook feed.


These are the same people that would otherwise proudly pose with their literal participation medals that they paid $75 for. They had a catch phrase this year that was so fittingly stupid:


“We crossed the finish lines apart, together.”


All-in-all I'll take it virtual any year. Now I heard there's some naked bicycle ride thing in Philly every year? Why can't we close down the roads for that instead?