Updated: May 29, 2020
A lot of us are thinking it — of all the ways to miss the post-season, letting the Titans take our spot just to knock off the Patriots and Ravens at their respective home stadiums has to be the most satisfying. And while plenty of Pittsburgh’s antagonists have been taken down since the beginning of the playoffs, there are still a few villains lurking in the shadows that we need to identify. First, let’s give a quick recap of who’s been killed off so far.
Who’s Already Eliminated?
Tom Brady & Bill Belichick
It should come as no surprise that these two cheating bastards were at the top of our playoff hit list. Thirty-one cities in America took great satisfaction in the Patriots playoff loss to the Tennessee Titans during wild card week. Hopefully we see some sort of harsh penalty come down on them for filming opposing sidelines again, and I’m in favor of replaying both the 2001 and 2004 AFC Championships.
People say it every year, but I think this was finally the end for Tom Brady. He played like shit all season despite The Patriots drawing the second easiest strength of schedule in the league. I don’t think we’ll see TB12 win another super bowl, thank god.
The Entire City of Philadelphia
Philly people love the fact that their one single superbowl win was more recent than the last of The Steeler’s six superbowl wins. It’s ironic (and hilarious) that a city whose top sports icon Rocky Balboa, a fictional character, has been replaced by Nick Foles, a guy who they ran out of town. I love watching the bickering of Eagles fans when they fight over whether letting their former Super Bowl MVP walk away was the right move or not.
The decision is done, and Philly is stuck with Carson Wentz who doesn’t seem to ever cross the finish line before going on IR. Although I will concede that the hit Jadeveon Clowney delivered to Wentz in the wild card game was bullshit and dirty, Wentz needs to man up and walk it off. How many times has Big Ben basically broken out of the hospital gurney to come back and win it for us?
If this Pittsburgh villain seems a bit under the radar, then you haven’t been paying attention. Cameron Jordan is a massive shit talker, and has called out Ben Roethlisberger on multiple occasions for seemingly no reason. The Saints could have been a respectable opponent, but Jordan felt the need to spoil everything.
To make matters worse, some gasoline-huffing blogger for Sport Illustrated re-affirmed Jordan’s awful take by comparing Roethlisberger to Dave Krieg:
“…Though [Roethlisberger] probably will get a first ballot Hall of Fame nod, he probably shouldn’t,” Robert Klemko wrote for SI. “Is his statistical résumé better than Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Drew Brees and Philip Rivers? Nope.” Really — Philip Rivers? Has that guy ever won a playoff game?
Fortunately for Steeler fans Cameron Jordan hasn’t even sniffed a Super Bowl, and New Orleans continues to lose playoff games in dramatic fashion. Watching Jordan and his team lose every year is almost as satisfying as seeing New England’s dynasty finally come to an end.
The Baltimore Ravens
Ha! Suck it Baltimore. Maybe the Steelers were home on the couch this off-season, but once Ben went down we never got our hopes up anyway. Now you know exactly how it felt when we lost to The Jacksonville Jaguars at home after going 13-3 in 2017. Heart breaking agony.
All season we heard about how awesome Lamar Jackson is.
MVP this and rushing records that. Well guess what? Ryan Tannehill has two playoff wins, and Lamar Jackson has 0. When people think back to the 2019 season, they’ll remember that Baltimore choked at home when it really mattered. At least the Steelers got to practice their golf game a couple weeks early.
Which Villains Remain?
Terrell Suggs was traded away from the bottom dwelling Arizona Cardinals just in the time to go on a playoff run with The Kansas City Chiefs. If there’s anyone that deserves to be in the post-season less, let me know. Although all of Suggs’ post season sacks have come with Baltimore, he’s closing in on the all-time playoff sack record — something us yinzers would rather not see happen.
Suggs is one of the most common recurring villains in the Steeler storyline, having notched 15 sacks, 21 TFLs, 2 INTs and 3 FFs against Pittsburgh over 30 games in his career. Just in case you needed any more reason to not like The Chiefs, also check out Patrick Mahomes’ girlfriend and little brother who are on a roll creating some of the most annoying content ever put online:
Don’t mess with Aaron Rodgers safe driving discount — he drives the speed limit, and stops at yellow lights. Is there anything WORSE than insurance commercials?! I will NEVER, so long as I’m on God’s green earth, buy a fucking thing from State Farm. Their commercials are so bad, and are played over and over and over and over and over and over and over……
Rodgers came into this season rocking some sort of Fu Manchu mustache reserved for only the biggest of dick swingers. Need I remind anyone why Rodgers is actually a huge bitch?
Oh yeah. In front of his home crowd, and his ex-girlfriend, and the nation for that matter, this man couldn’t ever chug an 8oz Coors Light. Aaron Rodgers wants you to “hold on a minute” while he takes a breather. Aaron Rodgers doesn’t think your time is important, and therefore you should gladly wait whilst he struggles to down the last half of his court side beverage. Never mind that we lower class people have bills to pay, and jobs to work, Aaron Rodgers thinks that we should all stop what we’re doing, and hold our collective breath so he can finish his 3oz wine cooler.
Fuck you Aaron.
So there we have it Steeler fans. If you need to cheer for one team to win it all this year I would go with the Titans. Their head coach, Mike Vrabel, is a former Steeler draft pick, and we’ve long since forgotten about their mistake of summoning the Terrible Towel curse back in 2008. A lot of people are cheering against the 49ers because they’re only one Lombardi short of the Steelers, but I don’t think it’s big deal because New England tied us last year.
If we only end up with 6 Super Bowls in my lifetime then we have bigger issues than the 49ers. I will be happy so long as I don’t see any more Aaron Rodgers commercials or the Mahomes squad videos on Tik Tok.