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The Ultimate Guide To Defeating The Spotted Lanternfly


Image may be dramatized

War is hell. At least for most of our lives it's been reserved for far-off places and times. Until now.


Pittsburgh's invasion of Spotted Lanternflies has forced a lot of us to grow up quick. These relentless bastards are multiplying at lightning speed, attacking our most vulnerable infrastructure and laughing in our faces while they do it.


They're opening up checking accounts at PNC Bank for the sign-up bonus and closing their accounts after 3 months. They're making snide remarks about "the livability" of our town, and they're calling in huge orders to local restaurants 10 minutes before close. We cannot stand for this.


The scenario calls for a strategic plan, something straight out of a survival handbook to curb this menace before they lay waste to our gardens and fields. Here’s a detailed guide on how to effectively exterminate the Spotted Lanternfly menace, akin to warding off a zombie invasion:


Early Detection (The Reconnaissance)

It’s crucial to know your enemy. Scout your surroundings regularly for any signs of infestation - egg masses, nymphs, or adult lanternflies. The sooner you detect the threat, the better you can prepare for the ensuing battle.

Their nests look like something out an alien movie and they're fucking disgusting. If you see something like that, just dump gasoline on it and burn down the whole tree. War has casualties.


Physical Elimination (The Frontline Assault)

It's time to be brave. Roll up your sleeves and get violent. Dormonsters (people from Dormont) are fed up, and some brave men have taken up arms to vanquish these presumptuous pests back into whatever cheeky hell they came from.


Chemical Warfare (The Artillery)

When facing an overwhelming adversary, bring out the big guns. We're violating the Geneva Conventions if we have to. Unleash a barrage of pesticides specifically approved for battling Spotted Lanternflies. Consult with local extension services or pest management professionals to identify the right chemical ammunition. Gasoline and matches work too.


Biological Control (The Allied Forces)

Recruit nature’s finest to join the fight. Scientists are taking their sweet time researching natural predators that could help control lanternfly populations. By the time those lab coats figure out anything your dog or cat could probably take out 30 or 40 of these bastards.


Public Awareness and Wartime Propaganda (The Resistance)

United we stand, divided we fall. Engage your community, spread awareness, and report sightings. A well-informed and united community stands a better chance against this botanical apocalypse.


I'm doing my job just by writing this. Do your job and share this handy guide on all your social media profiles. Tell your mom. Tell your nephew. JagoffSports.com is the domain.


With a strategic blend of vigilance, physical intervention, chemical warfare, and community solidarity, the fight against the Spotted Lanternfly invasion can be quelled. Through collective Pittsburgh may yet reclaim our green havens from the clutches of these winged marauders.

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