Updated: May 29, 2020
I was hired to write about golf for Jagoff Sports because it’s my area of expertise, but I’m also a connoisseur of hating people. When it comes to certain things in life -- air travel, golf etiquette, grocery shopping, etc -- some of you out there really grind my fucking gears. So strap yourselves in because I’m going to tell you stupid assholes how to behave in public.
You know those old guys who wear hats that say “Korean War Veteran” or “Vietnam War Veteran” on them? I should get one of those for the shit I’ve been through on airplanes. Taking off into monsoons in Bogota? Been there. A Chinese guy attacking a flight attendant 3 hours into a 14 hour flight? Happened right in front of me.
I’ve seen more shit at 30,000 feet than most of you land dwelling buffoons will see in your lifetime, and because of this, I’ve grown a deep and dark hatred for the people and events surrounding air travel.
Let’s dive into what you should avoid doing if you have any respect for people like me who have served their time flying to hell and back.
Once upon a time, some genius-level PhD in chemistry almost made an explosive plasma out of some super rare liquid concoction that required massive amounts of preparation and care and money and took gallons of toxic shit and because of that we can’t bring water through a security line at the airport.
Fuck the TSA and their absurd rules. When Bobby Back-Nine makes his millions I’ll open my own private airline called “Bring Whatever The Fuck You Want Onboard Air”. Until then, you morons need to get with the program.
Nothing on this planet makes my blood boil more than standing behind some unaware jackass in the security line who’s waiting for their turn to go into the body scanner while their shoes are still on and their keys are in their back pocket.
What’s in your bag -- 6 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies, a six pack of Milwaukee's Best and a hand grenade? Well guess what asshole, you’re not allowed to bring that shit through the airport so why did you wait until you’re right in front of me to realize it?
Take your belt off, take your shoes off, take your computer and iPad and shit out of your bag and let’s get a move on.
Here’s a pro-tip: Know how many bins you need for all your shit and grab the right amount BEFORE you start placing things on the conveyor belt.
Don’t be the dumb (usually a woman) person who needs to go back into the crowded bottleneck of people standing near the bins to get another one because “Oh I forgot I have a laptop in my bag”.
Getting through security is a nightmare, and yet some of you people make it seem like you want to stick around and make joyful memories of the security people confiscating your shit.
Waiting At The Gate
I usually don’t spend much time waiting at the gate because I’m too busy getting plastered in the lounge. I’d give you a pro-tip to get yourself a lounge pass, but I don’t need the jackass circus disrupting the only part of air-travel I actually enjoy.
Pro-Tip: Definitely DO NOT ever go to the airport lounge under any circumstance.
When you’re waiting at the gate, try to avoid screaming at the top of your lungs into your bluetooth about how the powerpoint deck slides have the wrong font on page 6 and the marketing budget for Q3 needs to be cut in half.
I don’t give a fuck about your work, and last time I checked you’re not paying me consulting fees to listen to you talk about it.
Sorry women, I jabbed you earlier about the bins, but this one is almost exclusively men. Proof I’m not sexist -- I really just hate everyone.
How on earth could you be having the loudest and most important business call immediately before boarding a plane? I understand that you’re wearing a suit jacket on your way to the National Conference for Vacuum Cleaner Salesmen, so you must be very important. But do you have no control over your call schedule? Tell them you’re traveling or go somewhere else with the screaming.
Boarding The Plane
You can put one bag in the overhead bin -- not one bag, one backpack, one peacoat, a shopping bag full of snacks and a folded up baby stroller. If there’s not enough room for people’s bags on a medium to large sized plane, then people are being selfish and stuffing shit into the overheads that they should be putting under the seat.
I like to commit murder when I see people doing this. Pro-Tip: There are no murder laws at altitudes higher than 12,000 ft.
When you’re getting onto the plane, put your bag into the overhead compartment and sit down. This isn't the time for you to stand around and check every single pocket on your jacket, look at your phone, check your watch or blow your nose. Get out of the way.
I could write an entire article on how little awareness people have when moving around physical space.
If there’s an old lady who can’t lift her bag? Help her quickly and move. I don’t understand why there needs to be a traffic jam like it’s the parkway north before a Steeler game when there’s 25 people trying to get onto a plane.
No one gives a single shit that you’re on a plane. No one. We live in a “look what i’m doing” world where people only take pictures of themselves with the consideration of how others will react to it.
While you’re taking a selfie on the plane you’re thinking “I bet my friends will see this and think I’m so cool for being on an airplane”, but also while you’re taking the selfie I am behind you, hating you, not thinking you’re cool, and wishing you weren’t on the plane.
The reality is that flying isn’t sexy -- it sucks. The people that fly all the time know it. So act like you’ve been there before.
Why do people take videos on their cell phones of concerts? Because they have no brain cells. The concert is in HD on Youtube dumbass -- you’ll never watch it again on your phone.
The same goes for the pictures you take of the horizon out the plane window. People backflip out of airplanes in wing suits and get 4K ultra HD videos with a go-pro strapped to their head. You took a crooked picture out of a foggy plane window on a flight to your layover in Charlotte.
Do not recline your seat on a flight shorter than 3 hours. There’s a big debate raging online right now over whether people should recline their seats or not on airplanes. Why? That airplane seat wouldn't be comfortable if it reclined 90 degrees back into a bed -- you think 3 inches is going to make a difference?
Here’s my solution when you sit in front of me -- you won’t recline your seat because I will physically hold your chair upright with either my knees or my arms for the first 20 to 30 minutes. Sorry, the recliner must be broken on your shitty chair -- enjoy your flight 0.02% less.
Do not go to the bathroom on a flight shorter than 2 hours. In fact, don’t even get out of your seat on a flight shorter than 2 hours. Just sit down. I can't believe this needs to be explained.
If I can get on a flight after drinking 9 beers and 6 shots of whiskey in the lounge and not have to get up once, then you don't need to act like a little kid and go to the bathroom.
When the plane finally lands, and we pull up to the gate, stay in your seat. Why does everyone feel the need to blast up out of their chairs like the cabin is on fire? Remember how you idiots created a human traffic jam when we were boarding the plane? Well the same thing is going to happen when we get off the plane. Just relax, holy shit.