Updated: May 29, 2020
Let's be honest - shitting at a bar ANYWHERE is a nightmare. Mixing alcohol and bar foods together typically results in dangerous bowel movements, and when you're out on the town you can't just retreat to the sanctum of your own bathroom. Mix in the likelihood of drunken bar patrons putting the seat up during a busy happy hour or Saturday night, and you're in for a wet ass, and a bad time.
However, there are a few spots in Pittsburgh that will grant you a safe haven to squeeze one off in a time of need. Use this handy guide next time you're in an emergency, or even before you consider where to meet friends for a night of whiskey and hot wings.
1. The Flats on Carson
The Flats is probably the highest trafficked bar in all of South Side which makes this a counterintuitive choice to include on the list. However, they're one of the few bars that has an attendant to make sure you have a five-star experience whenever you visit the facilities. If it's anything like the last time I made an emergency pit-stop, all you have to do is introduce yourself to Len.
Len is great for two reasons. One is that he's going to be your personal bodyguard while you drop the Browns off exactly where they belong - in the toilet. Second, he doesn't give you that bullshit soap that most bathroom attendants shoot out at you like you're too dumb to wash your own hands. He's not pushy about tips or anything like that, and I've snagged the occasional free loose cigarette (loosie) from him in the clutch. I just wish I could smoke it while I was shitting.
Remedy is a great Lawrenceville dive dar with cheap (and great) food. It also has a fantastic single-room shitter. Leg room here is unmatched. Unlike most single room shitter bars, this one has a clientele that will stop anyone from interrupting you.
Maybe this goes for the regulars more than anything but when you sit down to launch the space shuttle into the water you can count on your fellow alcoholics to go to bat for you so you don't have that awkward response to the knock - "Uh yeah I'm in here bro".
3. Rick's Caberet (Formerly Known as Blush)
You might not expect to see a strip club listed on here, but trust me, Rick's is great if you can find the right spot within their facilities. Avoid the first floor bathroom because you'll end up waiting on some guy to finish himself off after he ran out of money (and dignity) in the lap dance room.
However, if you venture up the stairs to the second floor you have 2 much better options. A full bathroom where you can pinch off if someone comes in (three full stalls so who cares). And your second option is if you need to push those hot wings out you had an hour ago you have your own private establishment exactly across the hall.
Hang those jeans and drawers on the Door Elbow, just make sure you lock the door. Then enjoy the experience of checking Twitter for 10 minutes while you diarrhea in peace for once.
4. Duke's Station
Duke's is a rare breed. You have your pissers in the front of the bathroom which keeps traffic rolling in and out. Then the great part is that the shitter is basically a separate back stall where you can take your time, close the door and make sure that it's not a quick pinch.
Second only to your home bathroom. This one also makes the list because their wings and ribs are so good (along with the drink specials) you typically stick around long enough to meet your own demise.
5. Hop House (Carnegie)
Hop House comes in at 5 because they're selling the bar and once Caliente takes over it's ruined. So if you want to experience it, I suggest you hurry up and get over there to take a shit one last time.
I've also had to shit at the Hop House in Ross Township on Babcock Boulevard -- not an ideal place to do it, so don't get these two places confused. I'm not sure if it's the same ownership or what, but both bars are actually fantastic.
Honorable Mention: BP on the corner of 10th and Carson
If you're really in a bad way and can't make it to a stall of privilege, all you have to do is run in like you already shit your pants and yell "I KNOW ZACK I'M BUYING A CANDY BAR ON MY WAY OUT." Don't take advantage of this trick, just buy a Reese's on your way out.
The best way to go is always try and give yourself a hemmer at the pregame, but if it comes down to it, these are your places to mud butt it up. Don't forget to always courtesy flush and drink a water in between your White Claw and Fireball shots. Poop carefully, fellas. Best of luck.
Community Suggestion: Mario's in Southside
Local bodybuilder Cam Johnson, known as killa_camj on Instagram, reports that the Southside location for Mario's is the most clutch for a night poop in the whole city. Why?
Do you have a suggestion for a great bar to drop a deuce at in Pittsburgh? I think we should make this a resource for all Yinzer bar-goers to share the most comfortable places in town. Send your suggestions to firstname.lastname@example.org and we will add it to the list.