UPMC Should Attach A Robotic Arm to Big Ben

Updated: May 29, 2020


How many commercials are we forced to sit through that tell us how awesome UPMC is? One ad must have aired during the superbowl at least 23 times. Remember the one where some man had a stroke in a diner and UPMC saved the day? How much do you think that campaign cost the hometown medical giant?


According to their marketing, UPMC can give blind people the gift of sight, make fat people skinny, and has the most advanced technology the world has seen since Skynet became self aware and wiped out most of humanity.


How many red-blooded Pittsburghers are chained to a cubicle somewhere high in the black tower of doom that we used to call the Steel Building? From what I hear, the medical staff in the hospitals aren't happy with the facilities, but at least the company spent god-knows-how-much money on a new LED sign so they can have the brightest flag planted in the Pittsburgh skyline.

With all that money spent on branding, UPMC has surely allocated part of their revenue to some sort of futuristic cyborg medical division. The logical next step is for them to whip up a bionic arm and attach it to Ben Roethlisberger's shoulder for next football season.


To be honest, I'm not sure why they didn't already try doing this last season. Had UPMC lived up to their tagline of "Life Changing Medicine", they could have changed the lives of so many people living in Pittsburgh.


Say they only fixed Ben up for the final two weeks of the season -- not a very hard ask for an empire like UPMC. The Steelers would have won back-to-back games against the Jets and the Ravens and gained a playoff berth as the 5th or 6th seed.

I understand Ben's apprehension to get involved in this kind of futuristic biotechnology. He's won two Lombardis the old fashioned way -- by using a normal human arm. And the man has pride.


We're still anxiously awaiting the results of his doctor's appointment from Friday, yet I can't help but think I'm the only one here connecting the dots to the obvious solution! Ben's elbow is never going to work again, but his new terminator arm certainly will.